A Day in the Life of...

10:00 AM - Wake up. Stretch and yawn. Get out of coffin.
10:02 AM - Remove "sleeping hat." Put on "walking around hat."
10:05 AM - Weigh self on scale that gives output in pounds. Convert to kilograms in your head. Check work by weighing self on scale that gives output in kilograms. If correct, smile and nod to self with hands on hips. If incorrect, just shake head in disappointment.
10:08 AM - Brush teeth. If already brushed teeth the night before, disregard.
10:10 AM - Prepare self a mimosa. If no orange juice available, just drink champagne. If no champagne available, huff glue.
10:20 AM - Order more glue.
10:30 AM - Call in bomb scare to work. No work today!
11:00 AM - Go to corner store for breakfast, chat with cashier named Amy, who doesn't know you're dating each other.
11:35 AM - Expose self to passing cars.
11:36 AM - Run from police.
11:50 AM - Bring sack full of cats to Chinatown, to trade for new nunchucks.
NOON - Go to neighbor's house, show Timothy that you do in fact have nunchucks.
12:30 PM - Cat nap.
12:50-1:37 PM - Have staring contest with mirror. Note time in "staring log." If time goes up, smile and nod to self with hands on hips. If time goes down, just shake head in disappointment.
2:00 PM - Find a murder to investigate. If no murder cases available, murder Timothy. (Obviously, this will be an easy case to solve, but at least the killing itself will eat up some time).
3:30 PM - Eat up some food.
3:45 PM - Cat nap (in case first one didn't take).
4:05 PM - Check on the rat cages.
4:25 PM - Answer Vogue's letters to the editor, even though they never asked me to.
5:00 PM - Amy gets off work about this time. Bring her a birthday rat (maybe a neckerchief on the rat?).
5:10 PM - Run from police.
5:30 PM - Yell, for no reason.
5:31 PM - Make sure Timegate is in the off position. If Timegate is turned on, search house for stray dinosaurs. If dinosaur is found, lure it back into Timegate with a big, juicy rat.
6:00 PM - Dinner time. Cook a big, juicy rat.
7:30 PM - Work on flamethrower mechanism for giant mechanical crab.
8:00 PM - Time for another cat nap (possible iron deficiency?).
8:20 PM - Call Amy's house phone.
8:21 PM - Hang up phone quickly.
8:30-10:00 PM - Practice swordsmanship with katana, just in case dream about being killed by your landlord was actually a prophecy.
10:10 PM - Bring landlord rent money in gold bullion. Look for clues in his apartment...
10:30 PM - Howl at the moon, for no good reason.
11:30 PM - Use Timegate to go back to 10 o'clock this morning and wake yourself up.
12:30 AM - Brush teeth. If already brushed teeth within last 24 hours, rinse mouth out with diet cola.
12:35 AM - Remove "walking around hat." Put on "almost ready for bed hat."
12:36 AM - Remove "almost ready for bed hat." Put on " sleeping hat."
12:40 AM - Climb into coffin (look out for rats).
1:00 AM - Fall asleep to sweet, sultry sound of voices in head.

TV Show Ideas

1. "In a Pool of Blood" - This would be a buddy cop drama, where one cop is black and the other cop (his buddy) is a vampire, who is possibly also black. Originally there was supposed to be a running gag about the black human cop's name being "Blacula," and when they showed up to interrogate someone for a case, he'd say "Detectives Blacula and Daye." And the guy they were interrogating would assume the vampire cop's name was "Blacula" because he was like a black Dracula, but his name was Daye--this misunderstanding would often be hilarious. This gag was scrapped when I found out there was a movie called Blacula. Also, the fact that the vampire cop's name was "Daye" would cause tension by reminding the viewer of the fact that sunlight would cause the vampire to burst into flame.

2. "Frat BoyZ" - This is like a reality show about frat boys, but with the "s" changed to a "Z," which would make them more edgy and street. Every week, the boyz (let's say their names are David, Serg, "Da Koop," and Mr. Frog) would get involved in hijinks, or sometimes shenanigans. One week, David might have to drive Serg to pick up his girlfriend at the airport, but they'd get lost, and they would call Da Koop, but his phone is off, so they just get his voicemail. That's actually a terrible example, but if you imagine how mad Serg's girlfriend would be, it's kind of funny. Also, there would be a website where you could ask the boyz some questions.

3. "The Cat Whisperer" - People would call up this cat expert to come over to their house and help them out with a "problem cat." Then the cameras would zoom in real close and you'd see him whisper some stuff in the cat's ear, and the cat would start cleaning up the house, or serving the owner tea. The only difficult part would be finding a person with this kind of magic power over cats. If one can't be found, we could probably just rig the cat up with marionette strings and make it look like he was doing chores. Either way, the basic premise is very sound.

4. "Cockfighting Tonight!" - This would be a high-class gentleman's betting show, similar to "HBO Boxing," only instead of highly trained human fighters, we would rile up a couple of roosters with razor blades tied to their feet. We could also have celebrity commentators. I was thinking Colonel Sanders would be good, but then I realized he was dead, so maybe just his ghost, if we can find out which agency represents him. (Note to self: possible crossover episode featuring cat whisperer? Investigate further...)

5. "Monday Night Cockfighting" - Obviously, television's cockfighting needs won't be served by just one night of cockfighting a week.

6. "Extreme Cockfighting League" - This would be a third cockfighting show, but without a lot of the gentlemanly rules of the first two cockfighting shows. It would feature ladder matches and "melee" fights that had upwards of twenty or so roosters fighting at once. If possible, handguns will be attached to some roosters, as well as some sort of rigging so they can pull the trigger with their wings.

7. "That's Not My Son!" - I think this one is pretty self-explanatory.

8. "Are You Smarter Than Your Mirror Image?" - A quiz-game style show where you try to buzz in and answer questions before your reflection in a mirror does. (Note: for obvious reasons, vampires will not be allowed on the show)

9. "Sexy Horse" - This show tells the story of a woman who moves to the big city to find love. Also, she has the head of a horse, so dating is difficult for her. Most of the scenes would involve her discussing the men in her life with Randi, the gay latino that lives next door to her. She works in a bakery, so she can be around all the apples, which for her are like kryptonite, only instead of killing her, they make her want to eat apples. Anyway, her main love interest is this blind guy that doesn't know she has a horse's head, and there are a bunch of contrived plots where he almost finds out about her deformity. This show is about loving yourself for who you are.

10. "The Gamble-Hound" - A western with a twist. Taking place in an old Colorado shanty town called Little Creek, it features a cowboy named Spud who gets deputized right before the sheriff dies, meaning he's the only law. He spends his time protecting the good citizens and handing out life lessons. The twist is that the town is actually in Nevada, and Spud's name is really Darren. Oh, and Nevada is actually on a spaceship. A spaceship filled with vampires.

Election Day

Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Moses Rameses the Third, and I am running for President/Emperor/Ruler/King/Technopope of your quaint, yet enchanting country/planet/plane of existence, which you call [insert regional nominative here]. Below are some vital things you may want to know about me, specific to your electorate, compiled by my representatives for your browsing pleasure.

Name: Moses Rameses III
Party: New-Satanist/Retro-Federalists Coalition Party
Age: Epochal
Governmental Experience: Emperor of Mirror-Berlin
Magicks: Black/Red
Marital Status: Inter-species polygamist (first wife, Mrs. Boots, visible in above picture)
Murders: 5,934
Convictions: 0
Favorite Musical Genre: Jazz

Platforms:

Healthcare: If you are unhappy with your current healthcare, I will gladly regale you with tales of my own bomb-ass healthcare, at a rate of $10,000/hour. Also, to cut down on unnecessary procedures, more expensive surgery will be done with less anesthesia. This way, we can punish whiners and ring-wranglers.

Defense: Replace Armed Forces with squadron upon squadron of hyper-intelligent baboons, many of which will be armed with laser rifles. All intelligence agencies will be replaced with my gentleman spy friend Winston Saxon. Don't let his quick wit and strong haunches fool you, ladies: he a deadeye with a pistol, and he's killed more people than polio (he even killed polio).

I will expand the Iraq War to cover all of the Middle East and Israel, distracting everyone while we steal all the gold from Switzerland's vaults, and most Swiss people's homes. If necessary, I will further expand the war to parts of Europe and Africa, as well as many parts of America itself. Australia is my backup; the importance of controlling the world's kangaroo population, I believe, need not be explained.

Abortion: Mandatory. I will not waver on this, because I hate children--especially human children. For people I don't like, abortion will be retroactive.

Gay Marriage: Mandatory. For people I don't like, gay marriage will be retroactive.

Economy: America, like Icarus, has flown too close to the sun, and our wings are melting, because they're made of wax. I think what I'm getting at is that we need to manufacture huge metallic wings for the Earth. I am willing to spend literally trillions of dollars and billions of human lives on this endeavor, even if so-called "scientists" claim that it is nonsense, and that I probably thought it up while high on peyote.

Drugs: Peyote for everyone.

Climate Change: I will enforce a hefty tariff on all sunlight entering the atmosphere. The positive side effects will be two-fold: first, we will see a drastic reduction in sunlight hours, meaning that my running mate, Dracula, will feel more comfortable outside; secondly, the money gained from the tariff will help fund my hyper-intelligent baboon experiments.

Energy: Burning immigrants.

Immigration: See Energy.

Returning Prestige to the Presidency: Washington asked to be called "Mr. President," because he hated the idea of America becoming a monarchy. I demand to be called "His Most High Eternal Slayer of Dragons," for reasons that are my own. Don't call me anything else, or I'll pretend not to hear you and then have my gentleman spy friend Winston Saxon sneak into your house and wreck up the place.

Jobs: I promise to achieve 100% employment by the second year of my reign of terror. How? I will use all of my Swiss gold and pay people to dig holes during the day. Then, at night, a second crew could come by and fill the holes. The next day, a murder crew would come in and murder both of the first crews. Then, a fourth crew would come in to eat the first and second crew. A fifth crew would then be paid to argue with the fourth crew and the murder crew. A sixth crew would then come in and draw a picture of the argument. This process would continue until enough crews had been created, or until I got bored.

Taxes: Payable in blood (for my running mate, Dracula).

Thank you, and remember to vote Moses in '08!