Election Day

Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Moses Rameses the Third, and I am running for President/Emperor/Ruler/King/Technopope of your quaint, yet enchanting country/planet/plane of existence, which you call [insert regional nominative here]. Below are some vital things you may want to know about me, specific to your electorate, compiled by my representatives for your browsing pleasure.

Name: Moses Rameses III
Party: New-Satanist/Retro-Federalists Coalition Party
Age: Epochal
Governmental Experience: Emperor of Mirror-Berlin
Magicks: Black/Red
Marital Status: Inter-species polygamist (first wife, Mrs. Boots, visible in above picture)
Murders: 5,934
Convictions: 0
Favorite Musical Genre: Jazz

Platforms:

Healthcare: If you are unhappy with your current healthcare, I will gladly regale you with tales of my own bomb-ass healthcare, at a rate of $10,000/hour. Also, to cut down on unnecessary procedures, more expensive surgery will be done with less anesthesia. This way, we can punish whiners and ring-wranglers.

Defense: Replace Armed Forces with squadron upon squadron of hyper-intelligent baboons, many of which will be armed with laser rifles. All intelligence agencies will be replaced with my gentleman spy friend Winston Saxon. Don't let his quick wit and strong haunches fool you, ladies: he a deadeye with a pistol, and he's killed more people than polio (he even killed polio).

I will expand the Iraq War to cover all of the Middle East and Israel, distracting everyone while we steal all the gold from Switzerland's vaults, and most Swiss people's homes. If necessary, I will further expand the war to parts of Europe and Africa, as well as many parts of America itself. Australia is my backup; the importance of controlling the world's kangaroo population, I believe, need not be explained.

Abortion: Mandatory. I will not waver on this, because I hate children--especially human children. For people I don't like, abortion will be retroactive.

Gay Marriage: Mandatory. For people I don't like, gay marriage will be retroactive.

Economy: America, like Icarus, has flown too close to the sun, and our wings are melting, because they're made of wax. I think what I'm getting at is that we need to manufacture huge metallic wings for the Earth. I am willing to spend literally trillions of dollars and billions of human lives on this endeavor, even if so-called "scientists" claim that it is nonsense, and that I probably thought it up while high on peyote.

Drugs: Peyote for everyone.

Climate Change: I will enforce a hefty tariff on all sunlight entering the atmosphere. The positive side effects will be two-fold: first, we will see a drastic reduction in sunlight hours, meaning that my running mate, Dracula, will feel more comfortable outside; secondly, the money gained from the tariff will help fund my hyper-intelligent baboon experiments.

Energy: Burning immigrants.

Immigration: See Energy.

Returning Prestige to the Presidency: Washington asked to be called "Mr. President," because he hated the idea of America becoming a monarchy. I demand to be called "His Most High Eternal Slayer of Dragons," for reasons that are my own. Don't call me anything else, or I'll pretend not to hear you and then have my gentleman spy friend Winston Saxon sneak into your house and wreck up the place.

Jobs: I promise to achieve 100% employment by the second year of my reign of terror. How? I will use all of my Swiss gold and pay people to dig holes during the day. Then, at night, a second crew could come by and fill the holes. The next day, a murder crew would come in and murder both of the first crews. Then, a fourth crew would come in to eat the first and second crew. A fifth crew would then be paid to argue with the fourth crew and the murder crew. A sixth crew would then come in and draw a picture of the argument. This process would continue until enough crews had been created, or until I got bored.

Taxes: Payable in blood (for my running mate, Dracula).

Thank you, and remember to vote Moses in '08!