Dear Son

Dear son,
Aha! You finally found the letter I left for you in the crawl space. If you cannot read yet, DO NOT GIVE THIS LETTER TO YOUR MOTHER. She will use it to poison you against me. Margaret, if my son has given this to you anyway, know that you are a fucking bitch who ruined my life, and that I DON'T WANT YOU TO READ THIS.

Okay, son, I will assume you can read if you've made it this far. If not, please go learn to read first or NONE OF THIS WILL MAKE SENSE. First, I would like to apologize for my absence in your life. There were too many things I had to do. If I have since become President of the World, then you already know that I had big plans in the works. If I failed in my bid, then I am surely dead and altering my intricate plans in a bid to become President of Hell.

Either way, there are some things that I wish I had been around to tell you. If you know what's good for you, you'll not disobey them. If I am president of the world, I will punish your disobedience; if I am dead, I WILL HAUNT THE SHIT OUT OF YOU.

Anyway, here you go:

1. First, what is your name? Margaret mentioned that she wanted to name you Jonathan, after your grandfather. THIS IS A NAME FOR ASSHOLES. You should take this opportunity to choose your own name, and demand that everyone use it, at knife point, if necessary. Here are some suggestions: Thørlief Magnüssen; Deathbird of the Falconing; The Mountain Impossible; Dr. Wundigore; Rex the Blood-Drunk; Clancy; and Dragon-Murderer the First. If you're saying to yourself "Suck a dick, Dad, I've already changed my name to Machine Man Zero," then perhaps there is still some of me in you yet!

2. Do you ever feel full when you eat a meal? Probably not, and I think I know why. When your mother was pregnant with you, I force-fed her human meat. THAT IS WHY YOU HAVE THE HUNGER! You are a cannibal. Deal with it.

3. Your mother may have told you lies about me. Did she say that she met me while I was in the Marines or some other such nonsense? LIES! I was getting in adventures as a hobo, and it was the only time I was ever truly happy. That's right--YOUR MOTHER GOT PREGGERS BY A HOBO. That brings me to my fourth point...

4. Your mother is a whore.

5. Are you are in your teens yet? If so, you may have very important thoughts and questions about things larger than yourself. To answer them: Yes, God does exist. And yes, he hates you. And yes, he has the head of a goat and lives in the center of the sun (I HAVE MET HIM).

6. When you get a boner in class, that means I'm thinking about you.

7. Horses are nature's prostitutes. You will know what this means when the time comes, my sweet colt.

8. Look deeper in the crawl space. I have left a set of blueprints, along with directions detailing steps for building both a ballistic knife and a murdercycle. BUILD THESE! If you are wondering why these blueprints look and feel like they are drawn on catskin, IT IS BECAUSE THEY ARE.

9. Star Wars was based on my life. GEORGE LUCAS WILL BACK ME UP ON THIS. If he doesn't, let me know so that I can haunt the shit out of him.

10. Don't follow the crowd too closely. Usually there will be stuff to hide behind, so you can lick your lips in the shadows. If you are patient, a fat or sickly member of the crowd might fall behind the others. THIS IS YOUR CHANCE TO POUNCE. The fat child might scream, but don't worry: the crowd is much too noisy to hear him.

11. You can never be overdressed. When you go for a job interview, look around you. Many of the goobers in competition with you are wearing collared shirts with pleated khakis. THAT OUTFIT IS FOR ASSHOLES. You should always wear a suit to an interview, if not for any other reason than your velvet cape, leather gloves, and domino mask look stupid without one.

12. Speak loudly and slowly, because not everyone can always hear you, marblemouth. Also some people are deaf, or don't speak English, and in these cases volume will be your only weapon. Note: if I am President of the World, there will be no deaf people or non-English speakers. If I am not, they will have been DRIVEN MAD BY MY HAUNTING.

13. Always watch where you're walking, in case someone left gold nuggets lying around. YOU CAN NEVER HAVE TOO MANY GOLD NUGGETS.

14. Most importantly, I want you to realize that LIFE IS REAL. AND IT'S REAL HARD. You might think it's all a bed of roses, but underneath those roses, there are snakes. And the snakes all have different markings, because otherwise they can't tell each other apart. But there're so many markings, you don't know which snakes are poisonous, so you just get hungrier and hungrier for snake meat, but there's nothing you can do because YOU ARE ALLERGIC TO POISON, and then you prick your finger on a rose thorn because you aren't paying attention to what you're doing.

AND THAT'S LIFE.

I love you.
-DAD