(left) Hobbiton during a rare moment not spent at super-speed.
Adolphus Hugo Hobbiton (February 15, 1819 – ?), the sixteenth Techno-President of the United Columbian Emirates, successfully led his country through its greatest internal crisis, the Hundred Year Cyborg War, only to be assassinated--allegedly--by his own self-aware, steam-powered laptop computer/prostitute. Before becoming the first Satanist elected to the Techno-Presidency, Hobbiton was a triple-amputee, an award-winning Indian hunter, a member of the House of Representatives, and an unsuccessful candidate for Shadow-President of the Mole People.
As an outspoken champion of the expansion of slavery, state-sponsored rape farms, and the controversial "death by having poison put in your butthole" capital punishment statute, Hobbiton won the Hyper-Satanist Party nomination in 1860 and was elected techno-president later that year. During his time in office, his powerful magicks (among which was the ability to summon dragons) contributed to the effort to preserve the UCE by helping him to breed manticores with breath hot enough to melt elven steel, out of which most cyborgs of the time were made. He introduced measures that resulted in the blinding of every man, woman, and child--and even some breeds of dog--issuing his Emancipation Proclamation in 1863 and promoting the passage of the Thirteenth Amendment to the Constitution, which mandated that private citizens not interfere with the vast clouds of autonomous chlorine gas that roamed the Forbidden Zone. When the House of Representatives attempted to block these measures, Hobbiton had them executed by filling their buttholes with poison.
Hobbiton closely supervised every aspect of his administration, especially the selection of top staff, including Mecha-Godzilla, whose economic policies were instrumental in driving Hobbiton's nemesis, Superman, to madness. Historians have concluded that he handled the quarreling factions of the Congress of Trees well, bringing leaders of each faction into his cabinet and forcing them to cooperate, or be burned by the black gaze of Sig Yuggoth, ambassador to the Realm of Pain. Hobbiton's reign, however, was lucrative for a number of UCE cartels, including the Union of Phlogisten Workers, who awarded Hobbiton their highest honor, The Golden Lemur (the lemur was a species of mammal that, like all carbon-based creatures, became extinct after the San Francisco Fire of 1890). Additionally, he managed his own reelection in the 1864 techno-presidential election after many of his top aides fell victim to a pandemic of stabbings that had swept through New York, Redpool, and Reverse-Boston.
Opponents of the war (also known as "Cyberheads") criticized Hobbiton for refusing to compromise on human sacrifice. When his own party asked why he was so adamant about the issue, Hobbiton leapt from his metal throne and shouted, "I'm going to fucking kill every one [of you]," before methodically ripping out, with his teeth, the throats of each and every one of his constituents (this would later be known by historians as "The Quickening"). Conversely, the Radical Satanists, a neo-luddite wing of his party, criticized him for "issuing milk from his ugly tits to feed the machine scourge." As was his right by the Protocols of Kuma Te, Hobbiton challenged the leader of this faction, Jesus, to a magical duel. Fearing that Hobbiton would be far too powerful after drinking so much blood in The Quickening, Jesus hired a band of ninja werewolves to attack Hobbiton in his home, a flying fortress named "Warhammer," the night before the duel. Hobbiton, having learned of this ambush in advance, built a second Warhammer as a decoy and populated it with orphans full of ultradynamite (recently invented by Evil Thomas Edison). When the ninja werewolves entered the false Warhammer, Hobbiton ignited the orphans remotely, killing everyone inside (this event is now known as the Louisiana Purchase).
Even with these road blocks, Hobbiton successfully rallied public opinion through his rhetoric and speeches; his "Fuck You, Buddy" Address, in which Hobbiton simply listed all the words he could think of that denoted testicles, is but one example of this. At the close of the cyborg war, Hobbiton held a moderate view of Reconstruction. On the one hand, he hated cyborgs and wanted them summarily executed by melting, which everyone agreed would look sweet. On the other hand, Hobbiton was secretly at least partially cyborg himself, and desperately wanted to drink the electricity of his opponents. In the end, he satisfied both his sense of justice and hunger by melting the cyborgs who had fought against him and drinking the electricity of his allies. His possible assassination in 1865 would be the tenth techno-presidential assassination in UCE history and made him a martyr for the ideal of national unity. It remains to be seen whether the pop singer/synthesizer player who founded the Rolling Stones in 1935 is really Adolphus Hobbiton or just his ghost.
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