Tattoo Man

Children in the neighborhood know me as "The Tattoo Man," or "Mr. Tattoo," because my body is covered in literally thousands of tattoos--many of which are not at all obscene or indecent. They also call me "Candypants Samson," for reasons which my attorney will not allow me to divulge. In either case, children have learned to both enjoy and fear my presence--let us leave it at that.

But on the topic of my tattoos! Often as I walk down the street, body illustrated, trousers stuffed to the gills with candy, people ask me things like, "Hey buddy, why you got them tattoos?" or "What does that tattoo mean?" or "What are you doing to my baby?" Well, to the last question, I say hey lady, mind your own business. But as for the other queries? Why, let me tell you...

The centerpiece of my bodily ink mosaic, as you can see, is the name "Mary." Since I cannot remember whether or not this was a woman I impregnated with my seed as part of my plan to create a race of radioactive supermen, I am forced to assume she is.

The cross symbolizes the time that I was turned into a vampire, and later vampire pope.

The tattoo of a phoenix viciously raping a church mouse holding a copy of Catcher in the Rye is, I believe, self-explanatory.

The tattoo of Cary Grant's face on top of my real face, when viewed at just the right angle and light, makes my face look really fucked up.

The two dogs nuzzling on my right shoulder represent my parents, who met each other while dog-murdering.

The angel wings on my back are a reminder of the time I killed heaven, and many of its inhabitants (this was instrumental in my election to vampire pope).

The "x" tattooed on my left hand memorializes the first time I killed a hobo, while the "x" on my right hand memorializes the first time I made love (also with a hobo).

The skull on my chest represents how awesome skulls are.

The tattoo on my thigh of the full text of Ayn Rand's Anthem is not a tattoo, but a birthmark.

The pirate flag on my shoulder represents astronauts, because when I explained what I wanted to the tattoo artist, I was high on PCP.

The tattoo of a young child's grinning face reminds me that life is full of happy accidents, like unaccompanied children.

The beakers and chemical equations tattooed on my buttocks are from the time I tried to irradiate my vampire seed to create supermen, for purposes that are now unclear even to me.

The image of a horse riding a man makes me laugh, because why the fuck would a horse ride a man?

The tattoo that says "I want to impregnate you with radioactive vampire semen" lets everyone know that I am always looking for love, and my love is part of a whole radioactive vampire superhuman breeding program deal, which will hopefully get me re-elected vampire pope--if you can't get on board with that, I don't know what your problem is, guy.

Because Don Knots is my hero, there's a tattoo on my back of Don Knots taking a dump behind a bush.

I could fill books about all the great stuff tattooed on my body! People often ask me for advice when they think about getting their own ink. I think the most important thing is honesty. As Batman said, "To thine own self be true" (Ed. note: Batman did not say this). If you're vampire pope, well then sing it, sister! Even if people think you're a "menace," or a "freak," or a "convicted felon," remember that this is America, where you have the right to look how you want to look, molest whoever is too weak to fight you off, and even be a vampire. God (of vampires) bless America!